What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
