I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
It's like the water temple from zelda. but with more tits.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
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