I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
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