someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
this just has baby written all over it
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
Randomize
