i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN