i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
