well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
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It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
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I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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