My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
