he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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