You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
