I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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