THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
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