she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
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just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
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I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize