Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
