My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Randomize
