Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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