I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
