He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
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after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
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I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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