there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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