dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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