when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
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