Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
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