it's too hot outside to masturbate.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
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