don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
I take back everything I said about communal showers
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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