Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Randomize
