Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
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