when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
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