I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
Randomize
