I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
Randomize
