he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
Randomize
