I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
