Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
I wish you could order shots online.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
