I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
