Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
