Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
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