I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
Randomize
