Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
You're a waste of cheezeits
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
