Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
Randomize
