i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
Randomize
