I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
i just sent this text using only my big toe
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Randomize
