You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
Randomize
