Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
