Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
