Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
Randomize
