so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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