I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
