im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
