why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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