Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
Randomize
