Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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