I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
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