Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people